Help

[Patrisha82]

I am a 27 year old young lady, currently living with my second family. We all just moved up here from CA. There is the parents, a 6 yr old, a 3 yr old, and a 20 month old. We have a pool and the little 20 month old fell in it, and the dad found him face down. I live on the upstairs part of the house, and the pool is on the second level. I can see it perfectly when I walk to my front door. I was sitting on the couch and I heard the dad calling for the little one, a few minutes later I heard him jump into the pool. I ran to the front door, and saw the dad pulling the the little one to the edge of the pool. He handed him to me, and I had to start CPR while he called the 9-1-1. I keep remembering that I had a dead 19 month old, no pulse, no air. The little one is now back home and is in great shape. My problem is, is I blame myself for the little one falling into the pool. I wasn't watching him at the time or anything, but if I would have gone to the front door, instead of sitting back on the couch I would have seen him. When the kids are upset and it's just there mom, I come down to see if I can help. And I didn't do that with the dad, so I feel like the little one and the dad. And I have stopped eating, I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep at night. Were in the process of putting up bigger and taller walls, so the kids can't climb over to the pool. But I blame myself, and I don't know what to do anymore. We stared therapy, and Monday was our first day. I won't leave the house because I'm the only one right now that knows CPR, and I'm afraid of something else happening. I won't sit in the living room anymore, because I relive through the whole thing over again, when I'm alone I sit around and cry, I won't go back in the pool, or even set foot out on the deck that all of this happened on. I know that I'm not right, I just don't know what to do to make myself feel better. Can someone help?

[ironmike]

This is a great story. Why are you treating it like a tragedy?

You're being so hard on yourself. Instead, you should be celebrating and happy.

It was an accident. It wasn't your fault.

You guys are heroes! You should be hanging around the pool deck having fun and celebrating life. Go for a swim, order pizza and talk about how fantastic it is to be alive.

Nobody died.

[meldahouk]

Dear friend
I can relate to you. I am suffering from depression that is clinical. I will not burden you with my story but I am here so I hope that counts. I read your story. It is scary to carry the guilt inside. Guilt is one of the swamp lands of the soul. It can lead to major depression if you don't do something about it. If you think you can help yourself without reverting to a counselor or psychologist or even a psychiatrist, that is great. The thing with depression and its symptoms is that WE ONLY FEEL THEM. Others cannot relate unless they have been through something similar. Even then, they have their limits of being able to help so the only person that can help you is YOU.
Please do not torture yourself with just keeping things in. Start by talking about them to a professional to release some of the thoughts.
I see a counselor once a week and sometimes every two weeks. It helps a lot.
I hope this helps a little