How To Help

[tater03]

I have a friend that is in an abusive relationship and I try to always be their for her but I find it all so frustrating in that I really don't think that she will ever leave. I am so afraid that one day he will really hurt her moreso than he already has. What do you do as a friend that wants to help another friend in this situations?

[Calypso]

Situations like these are so frustrating! Unfortunately, you can't make her leave, and the more you pressure her, the more she's likely to dig in her heels.

The best thing to do is remain her friend and keep on affirming that she doesn't deserve this bad treatment. That way, when and if she ever is ready to leave, she'll know she has at least one friend she can count on.

[katharina]

Originally Posted by Calypso

The best thing to do is remain her friend and keep on affirming that she doesn't deserve this bad treatment. That way, when and if she ever is ready to leave, she'll know she has at least one friend she can count on.

Unfortunately, I think this is all that can be done, too. People just close their eyes and ears sometimes and what others see, they don't see. They always have the same canned answer, too, by the way... things like "you don't know him like I do" or "he wouldn't REALLY hurt us!"

[micheal]

It hurts to see your friend is such a silly situation yet so very dangerous. There isn't much that you can do if she doesn't want to leave. She is her own person but I mean never stop trying to intervine. Just find different ways to try to get her to understand that she isn't safe.

[Serenity]

Have you offered her any practical help other than advice, such as offering her a place to live if she left him, financial help or going with her to the police to report it? It's easy to say leave him, but it's a whole different test of a friendship's strength to offer help with the more scary aspects of it that are probably keeping her there in the first place. All depends on how far you're willing to go. But if you offer, mean it because she may well be on your doorstep with a suitcase one day.

[katharina]

Originally Posted by Serenity

Have you offered her any practical help other than advice, such as offering her a place to live if she left him, financial help or going with her to the police to report it?

This is a very good point. I agree that it's important to help her set up a plan and go through with it. Words just aren't enough sometimes.

[mollyL]

Originally Posted by Serenity

All depends on how far you're willing to go. But if you offer, mean it because she may well be on your doorstep with a suitcase one day.

That is exactly what happened with my best friend. She showed up bruised and dazed with only the clothes she had on her back. When the scum that was her husband figured out that she was with us he was banging on our door (drunk) and screaming abuse. It was all I could do keep my husband from opening the door and showing Scum what it felt like to be beat up by someone bigger than him. Anyway, the cops came and threw him in jail. Luckily, when she found out about it, another friend offered her a place to stay about 500 miles north and she took it. So it all worked out in the end, thank God.

[Green-Moo]

Originally Posted by mollyL

That is exactly what happened with my best friend. She showed up bruised and dazed with only the clothes she had on her back. When the scum that was her husband figured out that she was with us he was banging on our door (drunk) and screaming abuse. It was all I could do keep my husband from opening the door and showing Scum what it felt like to be beat up by someone bigger than him. Anyway, the cops came and threw him in jail. Luckily, when she found out about it, another friend offered her a place to stay about 500 miles north and she took it. So it all worked out in the end, thank God.

Your friend is exceptionally lucky to have such good friends willing to look out for her Molly.

[katharina]

Originally Posted by mollyL

Anyway, the cops came and threw him in jail. Luckily, when she found out about it, another friend offered her a place to stay about 500 miles north and she took it. So it all worked out in the end, thank God.

I think your friend was very lucky to have a place to stay like that. I would assume it was also easier being further away like that and not in the same town when he was released. (Or when he gets released.)

[Green-Moo]

I've been through this situation twice with young women. In both cases I found it very difficult to understand as they were financially independant, strong women without children.

In one case she did leave him and moved into my spare room. Unfortunately once she'd made the break I realised that she actually relished the attention that he gave her and being centre of attention. She would deliberately goad him and was particularly active when ever I had friends round and she had a better audience. She just adored the drama of it all. Thankfully, she eventually found that she could get attention in other ways and it petered out. I ended up feeling sorry for the poor bloke, as I began to suspect that all her tales of woe were grossly exagerated.

[Kitten]

Does she know how scared you are for her? The most you can really do is show your support for her (but not for him) and remind her that if something happens, you're there for her regardless of your opinion....but make sure she knows that you're truly scared for her. There's nothing you can say that will make her leave him....but if/when she sees it, she's going to need you to be there for her.

[ken7700]

Situations like this is very frustrating to the person that is trying to help. I have learned that person has to want to get out or they will just keep going back. No matter how hard you try to help they have to want to do it on their own first.

[Simplyme]

I went through the same thing with my sister-in-law who was a very strong willed person. She refused to leave the abusive relationship she had with my brother because she refused to be looked at as a victim. Her case was a little different because I was able to convince her that staying was actually the weakest thing to do and that by staying she was making herself the victim. 99% of the time I could see this Not working with the actual person in an abusive relationship. Luckily my sis was pig headed enough that it did.

[ken7700]

Simpleme I am glad your sis seen the light. The truth is many people think they guy will change, but in reality 99 percent of the time that will never happen. You can hope for it, but rarely do you see an abusive boyfriend or husband change.

[Simplyme]

That is so very true. And no matter how many times you hear about it on TV there is just something, that I don't understand, that keeps these people in an abusive relationship knowing quite well that their lives are on the line.

[Green-Moo]

I think of it a little like an addiction. Sometimes people know it's bad for them but find it very hard to break away.

[Simplyme]

I think you are right it does become some sort of addiction for these people. Or a comfort thing, not because they enjoy it but because they are use to it and it gets really hard for some people to deal with change.