Moody partner

[Green-Moo]

I wonder if anyone has any tips as to how to deal with a partner who becomes very moody under stress? He crashes and bangs around, won't listen to a word anyone says to him, mutters under his breath and generally makes himself very unpleasant to live with.

I cope with his behaviour by yelling at him once that it's not acceptable then just withdrawing until he's back to normal, but I really don't want my kids growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to behave.

Despite many, many conversations, there seems to be no change forthcoming from my partner.

Green-Moo

[mollyL]

I was once alot like your moody partner, and my sweet husband tried everything he could think of to help me. He even used to tell me that soon I would get "moody" but I never believed him. Finally, and under totally different circumstances, I was put on medication to help me cope with a serious work injury. All of a sudden I was happier, calmer, able to deal with crises small and large, etc. Eight years later I am still on basically the same meds, and I am still happy and life is good. I don't say this to vent or anything like that, I just mean that I saw such a similarity in stories. If you do as well I hope it will help somehow.

[Calypso]

Moodiness can be a symptom of depression in men. You and your partner should probably talk to his doctor and perhaps consider a trial of some medication. Good luck!

[live]

Sounds like someone i know very well. They allow their emotions to get the best of them.

If you've asked him to stop and he falls back into the routine video tape him. People dont know that they put you through until they see it for themselves. It really is an eye opener.

[Green-Moo]

I love the idea of the video camera! I'm not sure it would survive the experience though

Thanks for all supportive replies. I guess depression shows itself in different ways in different people.

[katharina]

Originally Posted by Green-Moo

I love the idea of the video camera! I'm not sure it would survive the experience though

Thanks for all supportive replies. I guess depression shows itself in different ways in different people.

That's what I was going to say, too... when someone is acting like that, taping it to bring back in their face later wouldn't be a choice I'd personally make. Does he just "bang around" with things... you didn't mention if he strikes *people* too... if so, there are places for you to get help and it should be done immediately.

[Taggart]

I know in my situation that I have high blood pressure and I find myself over-reacting at times.

Also, I used to work with someone who said that his diabetes caused some alterations of his moods or character. Have you heard of this?

[tater03]

My husband gets like that also. I have gotten used to it over the years. What has opened his eyes somewhat is that he sees the same things in our oldest son. This has brought it more to his attention that he needs to pay more attention to the way he reacts to things. And as to how much his moods effect others.

[katharina]

Originally Posted by tater03

My husband gets like that also. I have gotten used to it over the years. What has opened his eyes somewhat is that he sees the same things in our oldest son. This has brought it more to his attention that he needs to pay more attention to the way he reacts to things. And as to how much his moods effect others.

Good to hear that your husband is seeing how much things we do and say affect others no matter whether that's what we intended or not. Stopping those patterns is difficult, but very important.

[SageMother]

Have you considered taking your kids and going out for a bit? You can call him while you are out to see if he is ready to forgo the unacceptable adult behavior, then go home.

This way your kids don't get the idea that the behaviour is acceptable, you don't have to listen to it, and you get to spend some time with the kids doing something the 3 of you enjoy.

It's a thought.

[Green-Moo]

Katharina, he's never raised a finger to anyone in this household. I'd be out the door with the kids so quick he'd not see us for dust. It's a valid point though, so I'm glad you brought it up in case anyone in a similar situation is reading.

Taggart, the medical angle affecting mood is very interesting. Now you bring it up it makes me think of how my father's moods have changed since he had a stroke a few years ago. I will try & read up on both high blood pressure & diabetes.


Tater03, that is exactly why I want to nip this in the bud NOW! I don't want his behaviour rubbing off on the kids. Somehow, he just can't see how it affects everyone else. I've often wondered if I started behaving like that, how he would react. I don't think I could actually carry it off though!

SageMother, it's not a good situation for our circumstances, though I do appreciate it. The problem is that it builds up with lots and lots of little instances, each of which is too silly to go out about. I'm not sure if I'm making sense? Each of these little crashes & bangs & mutterings has a build up effect though, which is what he just seems unable to recognise.

I'm going to do some reading on all these ideas. Thanks so much everyone.

[ken7700]

My suggestion would be to get some counseling as becoming moody can lead to other things. Maybe by talking it out together with someone else may help.

[Green-Moo]

thanks Ken for your input. I'd let this slide for a bit, although the problem has not changed. 'm glad you reminded me to take some action.

[justontime]

I think men process and deal with issues differently, and from my experience they tend to behave like an ostrich and bury their head in the sand when they have problems. If his behaviour has changed or become worse recently the he is probably worried about something, money, work, health?? Thy to talk to him alone when he is not being difficult, it may take several conversations to get him to understand that this really is a problem. Keep an eye on his physical health too, sometimes this sort of behaviour can be the first sign of feeling low because of a physical illness. It would be worth trying to get him to see his doctor.

[Green-Moo]

We're both under allot of stress at the moment, but I don't stomp around the house taking it out on everyone else!!

[SageMother]

I don't understand how an hour or two out of the house couldn't hurt when he is going through this, but everyone handles these things differently.

Have you tried making notes in a calender to see if you can discover a pattern or cycle?

[Green-Moo]

Originally Posted by SageMother

I don't understand how an hour or two out of the house couldn't hurt when he is going through this, but everyone handles these things differently.

Apologies SageMother, perhaps I should have given some background there. Our closest town is 40 minutes drive away & I quite simply don't have the fuel money for non essential driving. I'm pretty isolated, and honestly can't think of anywhere else I'd want to go during the winter months.

Originally Posted by SageMother

Have you tried making notes in a calender to see if you can discover a pattern or cycle?

That's a good idea. I suspect though that it will just show periods where everything is getting on top of us. Mind you, it would be interesting to see if it conincides with my own monthly cycle.

[tater03]

Maybe you could get him to understand that it isn't good for the kids to see him react the way he does because it stresses them out. And that maybe when he gets that stressed and is going to vent like that he could just go outside and take a walk when he feels this way.

[Serenity]

The problem is that it builds up with lots and lots of little instances, each of which is too silly to go out about. I'm not sure if I'm making sense? Each of these little crashes & bangs & mutterings has a build up effect though, which is what he just seems unable to recognise.

I hear ya, Green-Moo. You are making perfect sense. If you're anything like me, the small stuff you'd let slide so the big stuff that really matters is dealt with...that's my outlook - don't sweat the small stuff. But he can stew and let the small stuff mushroom into a HUGE deal that drags in every mishap that's ever happened in his eyes from eons ago that was supposed to have been talked through and over with. That alone drives me crazy because there never seems to be a door closed on past resentments or upsets so we go round in circles.

We're both under allot of stress at the moment, but I don't stomp around the house taking it out on everyone else!!

Me neither! I've tried doing the same thing as he does and you know what happened? He didn't stand for it and went nuts about ME being in a bad mood and yet I'm the one with the patience of a saint around here. I hate it too but attempting a taste of his own medicine won't work. Tried it, didn't work.

In my case I know my husband suffers depression though, as do I, and meds don't help him. It's just something rough we need to go through sometimes but can be such a strain when it continues on for months with no end in sight. A lot of it I know he can't help and we're under pressure too...that's probably what keeps me here actually. If they could find something that would help him, he'd take it. He's tried in the past and nothing has, which apparently does happen - rarely, but it does. I love him deeply and he loves me and does his best for us as a family and that love keeps us together. Sometimes the pressure of that just gets on top of him too much. He's such a worrier.

If I don't say anything about worries to try not to make him feel worse, he thinks I don't care about them or don't worry just because I keep them to myself and try be the positive one. But if I do, I'm moaning and piling more on to him. That's the hardest thing, knowing what to do for the best when he's in that mindset.

I often wonder if he's diabetic too actually, now you mention it. My dad is and I see a lot of similarities between them. I've asked him to get tested before but he won't do it. Here's the rub: we try help them as much as we can and it gets thrown back at us but if we try distance ourselves when they're like that, they think we don't care and get even more moody.

I guess I wasn't much help there but I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this. I just try to remember, this too will pass, and keep myself busy with other things until it does. Thanks for the chance to vent a bit.

[justontime]

Originally Posted by Green-Moo

We're both under allot of stress at the moment, but I don't stomp around the house taking it out on everyone else!!

Yes, that may be true, but you are not going to solve it by just blaming him. Maybe he is not emotionally articulate enough to explain his feelings, maybe he is afraid, maybe there are issues that you are not aware of. It may feel like it is all his fault, but if you want him to deal with it constructively criticism will not help. It is a shared problem that you need to address together and you need persuade him to take the matter seriously in order to save the relationship.