#1 (permalink)  
Old 05-31-2008, 10:53 PM
Active User: Feeling Good
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 83
Default Ending it, but being upset

A friend of mine made the decision to finally leave her abusive partner. She's incredibly upset about her failed relationship, though, and even though she was always unhappy, she seems even more unhappy now that it's ending. How can I help without just saying "it's for the best"?
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2008, 02:09 PM
Experienced User: Healthy
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 375
Default

I think that alot of people stay with an abusive partner because it fills a need in them; that they "protected" by a strong partner, that they feel they deserve abuse and this partner fills the bill, etc. So your friend has left this guy, but she's also left alot of feelings that in some way were a comfort for her. She needs some immediate counseling, perhaps even some medication, IMO.
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2008, 02:22 PM
Experienced User: Healthy
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 116
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitten View Post
A friend of mine made the decision to finally leave her abusive partner. She's incredibly upset about her failed relationship, though, and even though she was always unhappy, she seems even more unhappy now that it's ending. How can I help without just saying "it's for the best"?
No relationship ends without some kind of emotional upheaval, even when it's for the best. Your friend will see that eventually but it takes time. Right now she's probably scared of what the future holds and guilt-ridden about leaving, however unjustified that guilt is. People grieve when relationships fail and they reflect on the "if only" or "should have been" or " did I do the right thing" type thoughts a lot at the start but that will ease.

Right now the best thing you can do is let her talk when she needs to, without judgment, and let her be alone when she doesn't want to. Be of practical help to her- help her find a place to stay, a job, help with kids if she has them. Try think about what's weighing on her mind most and ways to alleviate that. One day the feelings will change to ones of relief that she got out of it. It won't happen overnight but it will.
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2008, 02:29 PM
Experienced User: Healthy
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 116
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mollyL View Post
I think that alot of people stay with an abusive partner because it fills a need in them; that they "protected" by a strong partner, that they feel they deserve abuse and this partner fills the bill, etc. So your friend has left this guy, but she's also left alot of feelings that in some way were a comfort for her. She needs some immediate counseling, perhaps even some medication, IMO.
You make some valid points there, mollyL. I'm not sure what the need would be that's being filled and if that's really the case but what can happen is the person gets brainwashed by the abusive person into believing they're worthless or useless or whatever. They hear it so much and so often, they start thinking it's true when it's not and think they couldn't survive on their own without the person. They become convinced they really are deserving of it because these people destroy any vestige of self-esteem they have by constantly chipping away at them.

It takes a huge amount of courage to break that cycle and leave and I admire anyone that had the guts to do it. You're right, counselling and/or meds would definitely be a step in the right direction.
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2008, 04:12 PM
Experienced User: Healthy
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 223
Default

The only thing you can really do is just be there for her. This is a big step she is taking and hopefully she will find it within herself to realize that the pain will go away after awhile.
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 06-03-2008, 05:27 PM
Experienced User: Healthy
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 309
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tater03 View Post
The only thing you can really do is just be there for her. This is a big step she is taking and hopefully she will find it within herself to realize that the pain will go away after awhile.
I think this is great advice. It's probably hard to be more specific from a brief description.

Hopefully both partners are ready for the separation, especially the abusive one.
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2008, 10:46 AM
Experienced User: Healthy
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 293
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tater03 View Post
The only thing you can really do is just be there for her. This is a big step she is taking and hopefully she will find it within herself to realize that the pain will go away after awhile.
I think this is the key, too... and be there in case she starts "rewriting history" and goes into the mode where she thinks things weren't as bad as they were, or starts thinking that she could "fix" things by going back.
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2008, 12:54 PM
Active User: Feeling Good
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 83
Default

It's been almost two months and she still seems pretty upset by it all. I really hope she starts seeing that it was for the best because I don't want her trying to go back.
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2008, 07:10 PM
Experienced User: Healthy
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 375
Default

Two months might not seem like a long time for her; keep up with everything you've been doing, so far it's working.
Reply With Quote
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 10-07-2010, 06:21 AM
Active User: Feeling Good
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: new york
Posts: 10
Angry re: Ending it, but being upset

It was best thing to happen. How can your friend stay with a abusive partner? It might have turned into a tragic incident had any situation went out of hand.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On




SEO by vBSEO 3.1.0