What is wrong with me? Please help I feel so alone

[Elizzard]

Im a 21 year old female, I cant work, go to school, go the the mall or even the grocery store. Basically anything involes people around or me having to talk to people. If for some reason I do decide to go to a movie or something or I'm forced to go to the doctor or if I'm put in any kind of situation where I have to talk to a stranger or be close to them my mind can't focus, i start twitching and/or shaking, my chest starts pounding, I feel nauseated and get like poop cramps, I start sweating, my knees feel weak and I feel like I'm walking weird the whole time I'm super anxious, feel like everyones staring at me and thinking stuff about me and I feel the need to hurry and get out of there and If someone asks me something and Im forced to answer I just say like one word so I don't have to talk to them( I think alot of people don't understand and just think that I think I'm too good for them or stuck up and some people think I'm just stupid) I can't stop thinking about the other people around me. The only place I can go without having to worry about people is the outdoors, I love the woods.I always felt different than everyone and felt like they didn't understand me. When I was younger I felt the same way but it wasn't as bad, although I was extremely shy and got embarrassed super easy I did have alot of aquaintences. I woulnd't call them friends because I use to go through people, I never had the same friends for a long period of time, except for a select few and one really good friend I had for years until some fat ***** moved next door to her and took her away from me, but now I have no one only my boyfriend of 7 years. I always felt like everyone was jealous of me and I still do. I quit school when I was 13-14 years old because that's the time in my life when I started thinking more and more about people and myself and I felt even more uncomfortable than ever, i felt so alone in the school even though I had people who I could talk to, I hated being there, everyone knew who I was because I was so bad in school (pipping, getting mad at teachers) and they thought I was a skeet bag even though I used to be a straight A student, but anyway I've always been a very shy/extremely hyper/angry child and still pretty much am. Alot of the time my mind is just going so fast that I can;t think straight and get headaches, because of that I have a really hard time trying to explain things, my mind just feels like its going to explode. Like for intance right now, trying to write this my head feels like exploding because its so damn hard to explain what Im thinking because Im thinking so much at once. I just feel so depressed, so anxious, so irritable, I flip out over the stupidest things, Im always getting mad at my boyfriend and being mean to him for no reason and sometimes I feel like I really hate him(even though I love him more than anything) and during those times I feel like killing myself yet Im terrified of death and dying and having to just go on my own, it really really really scares me so even though I do think about killing myself alot I dont think I would ever be able to do it, but anyway its not only my boyfriend I get mad at, its everyone and everything,I'm extremely irritable at the slightest thing angers me, and when Im mad, im really mad, my chest feels like its going to burst, i snap, flip out, smash things, throw things, pull my hair out and sometimes punch myself in the head, and as hard as it is to believe I really cant control it. Same with all of my emotions, like how I feel sad all the time and cry alot and most of the time for no reason, or how sometimes I get EXTREMELY EXCITED and happy for no reason sometimes and sometimes over the simplest things that normally people wouldnt get really excited over, like getting a shampoo sample in the mail or finding a cool rock or something. My emotions always seem to be going back and forth, I feel differently about things all the time like I don't even know what I think. I feel so confused about everything, and Im constantly anxious, from the time I wake up in the morning to when i go to bed I feel like Im always waiting for something to happen, Im always rushing around for no reason, even when I make tea i try to make it as fast as I can, even when Im doing something like going for a walk I feel anxious like I dont know what do to and also like Im always bored or something. I must say I'm bored like 100 times a day and Im always paranoid. If I hear my moms husband talk to her I think hes talking about me and not only when I hear him but I think that he is always talking about me to her trying to make her not like me (since we moved in with him about 3 years ago me and my mom barely talk) but even when I see strangers in the park or laughing or talking I think its about me, Sometimes when Im outside my house at night having a smoke I start thinking about something in the woods watching me and sometimes I get so afraid that I cant even enjoy and finish my smoke before i literally run back into the house. I cant even go outside and read on my patio or whatever because Im afraid the people next door are spying on me. i have extreme low self esteem and no confidence but at the same time I feel i can accomplish anything and that Im prettier, better, smarter than anyone. Im a creative person anyway, I love art and everything that has to do with it but because of the way I feel at times I just dont ever do it, but sometimes i get into these creative spurts where I really feel like building something or drawing or painting or making cookies so for a couple of days or so I go nuts painting or drawing or whatever then i wont feel like doing it again for another couple of weeks or could be months. Also I get these weird bursts of energy where I feel like going for hour long walks late in the night or something but of course I cant go alone and my boyfriend will never go with me so I dont do it. I hate being alone but at the same time I really enjoy it, but if I had to be alone for the reast of my life I would probably kill myself but then again Im terrified of dying so I probably wouldnt. i feel like I dont even know who I am. I always feel differently about the same subject, theres always this side of it biut then theres the other side, its so confusing it makes my head SPUN! I also contantly think about death. About my family dying, about my dogs dying, other peoples dogs dying, people who I associate with dying, my boyfriends family dying, about me dying, just death in general but mostly I think about my boyfriend dying because Im really afraid of him dying, hes the best thing thats ever happend to me I love him more than anything and I feel like hes the only one who knows and understands me so I contantly worry about him getting into a car accident or something. Im afraid of failure, I want everything to be perfect so I rarely try to do the things I want to do, even if its as simple as drawing a picture. Like I want to paint Kurt Cobain but Im afraid it wont turn out perfect so I just wont even try but its like thaat with everything, especially as a mentioned earlier with people, maybe thats why Im afraid of them because Im afaid they wont like me or ill be rejected? I was always embarrassed when people knew or thought I did something wrong. But at the same time I really couldnt care less what they think. ITS SO CONFUSING. My upper back/shoulders/neck always hurt as well as my head and I also have trouble eating Im starving but I never know what to eat because Im never in the mood for anything but junk food and half the time I cant even eat that, although I do have to force myself to eat something but its never much, probably a slice of bread or mini pizza because if I dont i know Ill feel extremely sick and add to the weakness that Im already feeling from being so depressed, but sometimes in the night time I cant stop eating no matter how much I ate or how full I am I just keep feeling the need to eat but this only happens about once a month. And I cant eat in the morning at all, even though I feel like my stomach is eating itself Im just never in the mood for anything, so I smoke a joint every morning to help with the nausea. I know everything I wrote is a bunch of random jumbled words and sentences but thats exactly whats going on in my head. Who the **** am I and whats wrong with me? I know this was long and I really thank those of you who care enough to read it and try to help.

[angrydook]

Hey, all sounds kinda familiar. Has your doctor tried you on any anti-anxiety meds or Antidepressants? Have you ever spoken with a psychologist?

[person1234567]

hey i read your post and it was a relief seeing that someone else suffers from the same symptoms as me. anywhere i go i feel like every laugh is about me. or quiet conversations are about me, like there making fun of me. This causes my inner dialogue to start talking alot, and in my mind i have to talk my mind out of stressing. I worry about what other people think anywhere i go and i have to constantly remind myself that it doesnt matter what other people think, but then again it kindof does.
its is also hard for me to talk to strangers because i feel like they're judging me at all times, at the end of every sentince i read there facial expressions and i come to my own conclusions about what they think about what i said. Usually i assume they think that im weird or stupid or something. it sucks. just be happy you have a boyfriend and your a girl, because a guy like me is expected to be confident and approach girls if he wants her attention. I just gave up on girls. Seeing as how none of them will talk to me, and im to afraid to talk to them i just said forget it 4 years ago.
which brings me to being afraid of being alone. i am afraid of being alone just like you. i think about death almost all day long, like you said, me dying my family dying, peoples dogs and when they will die and how and if it will be fast or slow. I will run the whole scene in my head, like a movie. It would go something like, whats wrong with my dog? better go to the vet, oh no terminal cancer, ive had this dog for years, now i have to put it down. and scene. Allthough in my mind the scene would be more in depth and much more interesting then that, i would also probably cry about this imaginary dog dieng, and i would morn for it. This is a normal everyday thing for me. i wish i could put it to good use. Driving is hell. i think about every way i could die in the car at all times. It doesnt stop me from driving or anything, i just think about dieng if im not thinking about someone else dieng, or their guinne pig dieing or some stupid stuff i shouldnt be thinking about. Inbetween all the thoughts of accidental death of freinds loved ones and friends and loved ones pets, i think about killing myself, alot, 10-20 times a day, it takes at least 30 minutes out of my day, i do my laundry and think about killing myself. everytime i park my car in the garage i think about leaving it running and shutting the door. but like you im to afraid to actually go through with it. plus i think about all my loved ones and how upset they would be, this is a pretty good deterent. but what about when all my loved ones are gone? i also have violent thoughts too, i think about fighting, robbing banks, robbing everything. Gun fights, knife fights. what i would do in the fights. it keeps me up at night. im a nice person, but i can really go to some dark f-ing places in my mind.
I too only feel comfterble in the wilderness, i like not being around people, but i hate being alone. i see your frustration. I also used to punch myself as hard as i could in the head or face over and over, just out of frustration and self hate. But i think i can help you a little. I still have these symptoms but they are way better now that i have quit doing 1 thing. I quit smoking pot. I used to smoke every day to relieve stress, turns out it was causing alot of my depression and paranoia. dont get me wrong, i still have some symtoms, but they are 50% better now that i quit. I used to have rage problems too, those totally went away, im more at peace now without it. Also if your like me, when we drink too much alcohol we turn into horrible people. so thats why i quit drinking too. Dont worry losing creative skills from quitting pot. Im a professional musician and when i was smoking pot i started getting in to writing slumps. couldnt write shit. once i quit smoking pot, i wrote a bunch of cool stuff, and i was ok with a few mistakes. i know it would be hard to quit, but just quit for a month and see how you feel. i bet your mood swings wont be so bad. This advice is coming from a pot smoking pro, i smoked 2 grams of good stuff every day for 6 years, from ages 18-24. i would get up smoke, go to school or work (i teach kids) haha. then i would go home and smoke and smoke and smoke. Cigarretts too! those cause stress too, i thought they relieved stress but they cause it, i also thought they would relieve bordom but they actually cause bordom if you think about it. idno. just trying to help in any way i can.
Anyway im still amazed at how similar our symptoms are. I was stressing about my back problems today. I have eating binges too, i can eat like a whole pizza. its disgusting. Oh and i also feel like i am different people too, like one day i can feel like a repubican and im totally pro-life, and on the next day im pro-choice again. Or on monday i could want to join a skinhead gang, and then the next day go hang out with my black and jewish friends. its crazy, and odd, but ya know sometimes its fun and i can get a good laugh out of how crazy i am.
I went to a doc, he said i was bi-polar, he gave me pills and i tried them, they were awesome. They took away my super low sad times, but unfortunatly took away my ups, like the ones you get when you get shampoo samples. So its a toss up, you trade your highs for not having your lows. I had to stop taking them because as an artist, i thrive on extreme lows and extreme highs, use your depression i bet you could come up with some great art, anyway, i dont know if you will read this because you posted your thing a few months ago, but it was nice writing this, best of luck

[person1234567]

hey i read your post and it was a relief seeing that someone else suffers from the same symptoms as me. anywhere i go i feel like every laugh is about me. or quiet conversations are about me, like there making fun of me. This causes my inner dialogue to start talking alot, and in my mind i have to talk my mind out of stressing. I worry about what other people think anywhere i go and i have to constantly remind myself that it doesnt matter what other people think, but then again it kindof does.
its is also hard for me to talk to strangers because i feel like they're judging me at all times, at the end of every sentince i read there facial expressions and i come to my own conclusions about what they think about what i said. Usually i assume they think that im weird or stupid or something. it sucks. just be happy you have a boyfriend and your a girl, because a guy like me is expected to be confident and approach girls if he wants her attention. I just gave up on girls. Seeing as how none of them will talk to me, and im to afraid to talk to them i just said forget it 4 years ago.
which brings me to being afraid of being alone. i am afraid of being alone just like you. i think about death almost all day long, like you said, me dying my family dying, peoples dogs and when they will die and how and if it will be fast or slow. I will run the whole scene in my head, like a movie. It would go something like, whats wrong with my dog? better go to the vet, oh no terminal cancer, ive had this dog for years, now i have to put it down. and scene. Allthough in my mind the scene would be more in depth and much more interesting then that, i would also probably cry about this imaginary dog dieng, and i would morn for it. This is a normal everyday thing for me. i wish i could put it to good use. Driving is hell. i think about every way i could die in the car at all times. It doesnt stop me from driving or anything, i just think about dieng if im not thinking about someone else dieng, or their guinne pig dieing or some stupid stuff i shouldnt be thinking about. Inbetween all the thoughts of accidental death of freinds loved ones and friends and loved ones pets, i think about killing myself, alot, 10-20 times a day, it takes at least 30 minutes out of my day, i do my laundry and think about killing myself. everytime i park my car in the garage i think about leaving it running and shutting the door. but like you im to afraid to actually go through with it. plus i think about all my loved ones and how upset they would be, this is a pretty good deterent. but what about when all my loved ones are gone? i also have violent thoughts too, i think about fighting, robbing banks, robbing everything. Gun fights, knife fights. what i would do in the fights. it keeps me up at night. im a nice person, but i can really go to some dark f-ing places in my mind.
I too only feel comfterble in the wilderness, i like not being around people, but i hate being alone. i see your frustration. I also used to punch myself as hard as i could in the head or face over and over, just out of frustration and self hate. But i think i can help you a little. I still have these symptoms but they are way better now that i have quit doing 1 thing. I quit smoking pot. I used to smoke every day to relieve stress, turns out it was causing alot of my depression and paranoia. dont get me wrong, i still have some symtoms, but they are 50% better now that i quit. I used to have rage problems too, those totally went away, im more at peace now without it. Also if your like me, when we drink too much alcohol we turn into horrible people. so thats why i quit drinking too. Dont worry losing creative skills from quitting pot. Im a professional musician and when i was smoking pot i started getting in to writing slumps. couldnt write shit. once i quit smoking pot, i wrote a bunch of cool stuff, and i was ok with a few mistakes. i know it would be hard to quit, but just quit for a month and see how you feel. i bet your mood swings wont be so bad. This advice is coming from a pot smoking pro, i smoked 2 grams of good stuff every day for 6 years, from ages 18-24. i would get up smoke, go to school or work (i teach kids) haha. then i would go home and smoke and smoke and smoke. Cigarretts too! those cause stress too, i thought they relieved stress but they cause it, i also thought they would relieve bordom but they actually cause bordom if you think about it. idno. just trying to help in any way i can.
Anyway im still amazed at how similar our symptoms are. I was stressing about my back problems today. I have eating binges too, i can eat like a whole pizza. its disgusting. Oh and i also feel like i am different people too, like one day i can feel like a repubican and im totally pro-life, and on the next day im pro-choice again. Or on monday i could want to join a skinhead gang, and then the next day go hang out with my black and jewish friends. its crazy, and odd, but ya know sometimes its fun and i can get a good laugh out of how crazy i am.
I went to a doc, he said i was bi-polar, he gave me pills and i tried them, they were awesome. They took away my super low sad times, but unfortunatly took away my ups, like the ones you get when you get shampoo samples. So its a toss up, you trade your highs for not having your lows. I had to stop taking them because as an artist, i thrive on extreme lows and extreme highs, use your depression i bet you could come up with some great art, anyway, i dont know if you will read this because you posted your thing a few months ago, but it was nice writing this, best of luc